Practical Ways to Deal with Gossip
Venting can easily morph into toxic conversation.
Analyzing someone else can quickly turn into unhealthy gossip.
Thinking about what’s missing in a person or situation can easily become rumination.
Feeling seen and heard is necessary for deep human connection. There’s a place for open expression, but it’s a slippery slope when the open expression damages hearts and minds of the speaker, listener, or subject of the conversation.
Research from health experts points to negative talk or gossip leading to exhaustion, anxiety, and depression. One health expert explains our response when we repeatedly tell stories of being hurt or wronged by someone:
“Your cortisol goes up, which means your fuel consumption goes up. So, what happens - you actually fired up your body. And if you keep it that way, it's like driving a car on the freeway in second gear. It just is running and racing and racing. So, any time you go to the mode of gossiping or speaking negative about people, you've actually now fired up your fight or flight physiology.” says MD and Chronic Pain Expert, David Hanscom.
It’s worth noting that overlooking hurt and avoiding conflict is not the solution. Sometimes we need to recount situations to wise friends and counselors who will help us navigate relationships. Be wise yourself. Here are some thoughts on navigating the waters of gossip.
Know Your Audience
If you know someone has a tendency to dwell on negativity, don’t lead the conversation toward topics that you know are their hot-button negative topics. For example, if they have an ongoing conflict with a coworker that results in consistent ranting without solutions, don’t bring up that coworker in conversation unless necessary.
On the flipside, if you see discerning characteristics in someone, they might be a good person to workshop solutions to negative events. These people can help you process negative moments, make you feel heard, and think through appropriate responses without leading you down a path toward spiraling.
Redirect Conversation
When you feel conversation trending toward gossip, be creative and tactful about redirecting the conversation. Here are a few methods for redirecting the conversation:
Think of a neutral topic and introduce it to the conversation. Topics such as hobbies, local events, sports, and food all come to mind. Sometimes I think of a “how to” topic that I know the other person can answer. “Hey, I’m having a really hard time finding a good lasagna recipe. What’s your trick to making your lasagna?” This leads the person to feel validated and known as a friend but provides a more positive outlet of conversation.
Remember something about your last conversation with the group or individual that you can follow up on. For example: “Oh, I remember you said you were remodeling your kitchen. How is the remodel going?” The goal is to show observation and interest but direct the conversation to something more positive or neutral.
Ask open-ended questions with a positive bent. What project are you most excited about at work right now? What’s something you’d like to learn or try this year? Are there any local events or activities you’re looking forward to?
Close the Conversation when Necessary
If the conversation is consistently tending toward gossip, you might find it best to stop or leave the conversation. Here are a few methods for stopping or leaving the gossip conversation:
You might not find it beneficial to confront the gossip conversation but want to leave. In that situation, think of something you need to go do and tell the group that you need to leave to take care of something… “I need to let my dog out. It was good catching up with you all!”
You might find it beneficial to speak up and draw candid attention to the effects of gossip. In this situation, be kind but firm. Statements such as the ones below can aid in ending a gossip moment.
“Hey, I notice that we’re really dwelling on _____. I don’t find it beneficial for us to speak negatively of people who aren’t here.”
“Let me stop you there. That’s my friend. I don’t feel comfortable talking about that person while they’re not here.”
You might find it necessary to draw attention to the gossip and leave the conversation. In that situation, you could use a combination of the two methods above. State how the gossip conversation is impacting you and state why you think it’s best to leave the conversation. Again, be gentle but firm.
As with most any situation involving people and communication, there are nuances. When is it healthy to be honest with friends and when is it harmful gossip? Pay attention to patterns in your conversation and others. It’s usually clear if gossip is a trend or not. Also, remember that silencing gossip doesn’t mean silencing your convictions. You know if you or a friend or family member needs help talking through a challenge in a fruitful manner.
Protect your peace in chaotic environments.