Room to be Wrong in Friendships

“I just need room to be wrong sometimes” 

That line from a Needtobreathe song always makes me think about relationships, especially friendships. 

When you have room to be wrong in a friendship, there’s honesty, confidence, and safety in the friendship during the easy moments and the moments of conflict. You feel content in each other’s presence. 

Inversely, when you don’t feel you have room to get something wrong in a friendship, you feel anxious, unrelaxed, and unable to be yourself. 

Room to be wrong looks like knowing that if you say or do something “wrong” as a friend, the friend won’t ice you out or end the friendship. And “wrong” is in quotes because sometimes we say or do something that a friend dislikes, but it’s the result of unmet internal expectations instead of breaking a moral codes.

Something Wrong: Telling your friend’s friends that you dislike the art they chose to decorate their house with. Gossiping. 

Something “Wrong”: Telling your friend you like the art they chose to decorate with instead of providing a more expressive, enthusiastic comment that your friend really wanted from you. Unmet internal expectation. 

Room to be wrong also looks like not failing on purpose but knowing that if you do, there will be empathy and conversation, not explosive emotions or an icing out. Once met by unpredictable behavior, you start to walk around on pins and needles and over interpret another’s reactions instead of feeling relaxed together. 

While I’m by no means a relationship expert, I can say that my friendships that allow for failure, healthy conflict, and restoration are my strongest, safest places to land. In turn, these relationships foster individual growth and fulfillment. 

You can’t change other people, but here are some qualities to either foster or look for when you want a friendship that allows for room to be wrong. 

Listen with Empathy

People who listen to understand instead of respond tend to make us feel like there’s space to be ourselves and room to verbally process. These people don’t jump to conclusions. If you’re the listener, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and offer feedback that shows you didn’t just hear words but are truly listening. Ask questions. Follow up with the person who shared. Make comments that expound on what they’re saying. Paraphrase to show you heard what they were saying. 

Empathetic listening doesn’t mean agreeing with everything, but strive to find common ground when you’re able. 

Make Conflict Calm

Conflict isn’t all bad. Sometimes conflict is a productive part of growing closer together as friends. It also encourages vulnerability. People want to open up to you if they know that your conflict will be mature and calm. Express differences of opinion, ask questions, don’t shout, think through proactive ways to resolve the conflict… There’s obviously much more that can be said about conflict, but do your homework and practice introspection. Who you’re having conflict with and the context can influence how you should approach the situation. 

Be Personal 

Strive for what’s called high person-centered messaging. Show appreciation and respect for the friend the way you know they like to feel appreciated and respected. For example, if the friend loves promptness and hosting, show up to their house on time, compliment their spread at dinner, and bring a bottle of wine to thank them for their time spent preparing the meal. You don’t need to be someone else entirely for your friend, but you should think about what’s important to them and strive to show up in that way. 

Don’t Take Everything Personally

Realize that every unmet expectation isn’t an attempt to hurt you. In the previous example, if you’re the friend who loves promptness and hosting, don’t automatically believe that someone dislikes you if they’re late and don’t compliment your cooking skills. 

Look for patterns in behavior and give people the benefit of the doubt. As you become closer with someone, express areas you would like to see your friendship grow instead of letting resentment take root. 

Look for Patterns, not Singular Mistakes

Look for patterns, not standalone mistakes when you’re evaluating how close to be with certain friends. We all have moments of weakness where we might respond with a snappy comment, forget an important moment in someone’s life, or not listen well. If you start to notice a pattern in behavior that hurts you, have a conversation with the friend. However, don’t be the person who sees one mistake and judges all of a person based on that one error. This doesn’t just hurt one friendship, it also shows other friends that one mistake will lead to withdrawal, which may cause others to be less and less open with  you.

Be Quick to Restore

When you do experience conflict in a relationship that can be resolved, be quick to restore. This is part of forgiving and moving forward. Don’t keep dragging up the past unless there becomes a hurtful pattern that needs to be addressed.

Once a conflict has been resolved, one of my friends ends what can be an emotionally draining conversation with either us watching something funny or doing something we both like together. When you do something that reminds you of your friendship before parting ways, it’s a great way to feel confident that the connection is restored.